What I Am Thinking Right Now

I was pretty sure when I first started this blog that I would do a better job at it. I was pretty sure that I would do an entry or two a week. I was pretty sure that, since it is so easy, I would write a random thought down on my hand and then race back and share it with all of you. I was also pretty sure that it would not become a diary for me-a place where I process actually and then share virtually.

And yet here I am tonight-not able (willing?) to talk this stuff out with anyone else and needing to type it out and make sense of it. I had a bit of a rough day. I messed something up (the category of which I do not want to share-dont worry though-it isnt illegal or scary and I have already shared it with all the people who need to know) and feel like an idiot. I knew that it was going to be kinda bad, I just had no idea how bad. The hard part is that it isnt the kind of mistake that's embarrassing or just a hassle-its the kind that is really defeating. Its that kind that takes away your smile and replaces it with chapped lips and dry mouth. Its the kind that-after chewing you up and prior to spitting you out-makes you remember all the things that you hate about yourself and that you promised you would change. Its that kind that makes you scared-not for your life-but for your ability and potential to EVER become all that God intended you to be.

At first it always seems like the kind I hate most. I used to hate making these kinds of mistakes because they made me think less of myself-made me not believe in myself and not want to cheer me on. I used to hate them because, even though it was only for a moment-they stole my hope and stole my joy and stole my confidence and even stole my ability to chase after those things and try and get them back. That was back when it was just me.

But now my life is bigger. It is challenged and protected and enriched and witnessed and affected by all kinds of amazing people-my wife, my life-long friends, the students I work with and love. And that makes it even worse. It makes me feel so much smaller and more ashamed and so, so much more stupid and irresponsible.

And then I think of my Savior, Jesus Christ and that doesn't help any either. Don't get me wrong-it helps eventually (that's probably going to end up being the entire reason for this post) just not initially. Initially I think of prayers I have prayed and love I have felt and sacrifices He made and all that times and ways I have let Him down or dissapointed Him. And then I feel really low. Today after all this happened I was also reminded of my lack of compassion. Here I am shaking because of something that will soon go away and yet I often miss the chance to pray for people in my life going through things that would give anyone reason to shake (a pink slip, a death, a diagnosis, a tragedy).

And then I did this thing that I sometimes love and sometimes hate-I tried to figure out the worst-case scenario. I guess its a coping mechanism, a strategy for sanity-a way of seeing some ability to come out of this on the other side and still have the ability to walk and smile and help God hear about His love for them. I sometimes hate it because it really makes it all worse-stopping to think about the end of a road you just accidentally turned down sometimes shows you that it is actually going to be worse than you thought. Sometimes I hate it because I want to feel sorry for myself for a while, and this exercise steals that ability. But mostly I hate it because it, more than anything else, makes me feel like a doubter, like a faithless, hopeless, selfish, calloused punk. Because here is what I know (and what I believe is true for you as well):

1. God loves me.
2. Jesus came and died for the today version of me-not some perfect other guy.
3. The people who love me, love me way more than this event has the ability to effect.
4. The people who God needs me to try and reach for him will never know about and could not possibly care less about this event.
5. The Heaven that I long for is not at all effected by this event and neither is my admission into it.
6. His love for me and belief in me and capacity for forgiveness and protection of me is endless and not subject to stupid things I might do.
7. I love Him more than anything.
   

There is really only one mistake that I could make now that would be tragic. I could decide not to fix it. I could decide that I am sick of screwing up and disappointing myself and the ones who love me. I could decide that things like hope and joy and confidence and love are overrated anyway and just let them fade away from my life. I could just give up.

But that is not going to happen-today or ever. The Chris that enters Heaven someday will still not be perfect, nor will the one who sees the Class of 2012 graduate or the one who celebrates a 25th wedding anniversary. But he will be better. By God's grace and Katie's patience and the youth group's feedback and NWL's iron and the Holy Spirit's leading and Jesus' example I will wake up each day more the person that God desires than I was when I fell asleep. I will use events like the one today to remind and shape and commit and reconcile and be taught.

I cried several times today. The first was when I thought of a lyric that Nichole Nordeman wrote several years ago:

Rolling River God
Little Stones are smooth
Only once the water passes through
So I am a stone rough and grainy still
Trying to reconcile this river's chill

But when I close my eyes
and feel you rushing by
I know that time brings change
and change takes time
And when the sunset comes
my prayer would be just this one
that you might pick me up and notice that I am
just a little smoother in your hand

The second time was when I realized that this wouldn't even effect me if my life wasn't so full of love. If I was just a dude, a Lebowski, and this happened I would have just been mad for a second and then moved on. But my life is so full-of love, of hope, of potential, of dreams and fears and God-that I can't help but be effected by it. And so I cried tears of joy that this matters, that I matter, that my love matters and that it matters to God when my heart hurts and when I lose sight-if only for a second-of what is really important. And I am crying now cuz Chris Rice is singing and reminding to "raise my head for Love is passing by."

Weak and wounded sinner,
Lost and left to die,
O, raise your head for Love is passing by,
Come to Jesus,
Come to Jesus,
Come to Jesus and live,

Now your burden's lifted,
And carried far away,
And precious blood has washed away the stain
So Sing to Jesus,
Sing to Jesus,
Sing to Jesus and live,

And like a newborn baby,
Don't be afraid to crawl,
And remember when you walk sometimes we fall
So Fall on Jesus,
Fall on Jesus, Fall on Jesus and live,

Sometimes the way is lonely,
And steep and filled with pain,
So if your sky is dark and pours the rain
then Cry to Jesus,
Cry to Jesus,
Cry to Jesus and live,

O, and when the love spills over,
And music fills the night,
And when you can't contain your joy inside
then Dance for Jesus,
Dance for Jesus,
Dance for Jesus and live,

And with your final heartbeat,
Kiss the world goodbye,
Then go in peace,
and laugh on Glory's side
and Fly to Jesus,
Fly to Jesus,
Fly to Jesus and live.

And so I praise you, Father, for today. I praise you for forgiving me even before I asked so that when I asked you could be ready to comfort me and remind me of your love. But mostly I praise you that after you heard my prayers you used the tears to remind me that you have huge plans for my life, plans that have nothing to do with just getting by and everything to do with making you proud and experiencing new aspects of your love everyday.

The guy I stole the title of this blog from says that we should pay attention to tears because "they are not only telling you something about the secret of who you are, but more often than not God is speaking to you through them about the mystery of where you have come from and is summoning you to where, if your soul is to be saved, you should go next."

I'm ready God. Lead me on.